Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Have I Got Something To Tell You!


Our inclination to gossip is as “old as sin”…literally. Eve saw that fruit-shiny, forbidden…so full of promise for self-aggrandizement. But sin is not an ancient thing, trapped in the past to be studied by anthropologists. No, gossip has this very nasty habit of never going out of style.
Therefore, I suppose you could say that my own inclination to gossip is also as “new as this morning”, as fresh as the dew on the grass.
A cousin of mine (and spouse) told a lie. They said they were going straight home after their brief visit because one of them had to go to work, but they were really going somewhere quite fun without anyone, including their own generous parents who longed to spend more time with them. And I know all this because their young daughter mentioned privately to me that it was a lie and that they were really going to Holiday World instead of home (children are excellent at sharing exciting truths).
Oh, this was juicy. And so you see…I felt like I just HAD to tell someone.
You see, this cousin has a great marriage, wealth, looks, great kids, and the ability to travel. I am an unmarried woman who lives around the corner from her parents.
If we are all honest, all gossip boils down to something like this. “I am the only one who knows how selfish that family REALLY is! They did not invite their parents, or cousin, or anyone on their trip! They left early for that? I would NEVER do that to my family because I love them SO much. I guess all the happiness of their life is empty after all. I am clearly better than they are…like me instead! Like me instead! “
So you see, gossip really does have all the same old empty promises Satan made to Eve so long ago: you can be like God. It’s no big deal to talk about others and tell their misdeeds…YOU are the big deal. You have something no one else has. You have this information and you alone have it. You are very important as a result of having this information, and what’s more, you are better than that person because they did something YOU would never do in a million years…never never…
            Gossip is not exclusively a female problem, but it does happen predominantly in women (ask any middle schooler). St. Theresa Benedicta (Edith Stein) wrote several essays on the Godly role of women as it complements the man’s original Godly role before the Fall. Any sin always stems from some natural desire of human nature whose original intent is good, but because of the fall, can become corrupted and distorted if a person is not careful. The good of marital sex is disfigured into fornication, the need for food becomes gluttony, a desire for justice becomes officiousness or even revenge, and so on. So what good is it that gossip perverts?
Both men and women, she says, are caregivers and protectors of the family. For men, it is more of the macro-protection of the family from dangers like wild animals, invaders, or disasters; they are the macro-providers as well, bringing the food, making and repairing the home, etc. (All of which a woman is able to do if called!)
Women’s role is equal in importance but is more “localized” as it is centered around bearing and rearing children. That is not to say men do not rear children; they are crucial in the creation, development, well-being, self-esteem, and Godliness of the children. St. Theresa Benedicta speaks of the mother as the micro-protector and provider who tends to her children’s needs at the ground level. Mothers prevent illness, tend to the sick, prepare the food, and educate the children. (Which men of course can also do!) It is from this holy role in the family that gossip stems. But how?
Simply put, women are the primary communicators of information relating to the family. Before the fall, they still had to work together to eat and tend the garden which required coordination with the equal partner. After the fall, this skill of communication becomes a crucial necessity for survival.
Picture a hunter/gather society of a couple thousand years ago. Women would gather at the well for water for drinking, cooking, and bathing. Someone was ill, and the women shared about who else was ill, and what they thought caused it. How do we make them better? They share their different methods. What foods are good for cooking? They talk about their own experiments. What do our children need to know to survive? They discuss what each of them is showing their children, and how they are getting them to learn.
            Every woman can see this in her own life. I own a pair of Tevas because my friend Amy told me they had good arch support for my plantar fasciitis. I use vinegar to mop my floors because Diane told me how bad the chemicals are for my tile flooring. I have been using the same hair clip for like 5 years because Melissa loaned me hers once and said it was great for maintaining a bun. Lesley told me to plant my strawberries earlier than May next year (because then they might actually produce strawberries).
This communication is so important to life that if a person is not careful, they may come to enjoy that feeling of knowing something others don’t, separate from the original good that was supposed to go with it. How often do we engage with women in this type of conversation:
“Can you believe she lets her children drink all that soda? I mean, obviously she doesn’t know how bad that is for children.”
“She sent her child to school in that thin coat? He’ll catch his death of pneumonia!”
Gossip makes the other person look bad in comparison to the self, a faux feeling of superiority.
“I would never give my kids Coke or Pepsi. I am too worried about my children’s health! I guess some people just aren’t as concerned or just don’t care!”
Rather than having a discussion with the person and sharing ideas, sometimes women use their language to put other down and shame them, forgetting that our role as communicators is to help other families in the same spirit God helps us-in all charity. God loves every single person and wants what is best for them. Other families need to know how to cure illnesses, to cook, to educate…they do not need to know that my cousin’s family left early to have their own private vacation.  This will not assure anyone’s survival, and truly, if I did tell people, it would only reflect poorly on me as a sad, jealous person.
The gossip feels he or she has special information that defames another’s character…and it feels like true power. This is the “godliness” the devil is promising. It is not the authentic human power of being able to control oneself, but the unlawful usurpation of God’s power to judge a soul. And, what the gossip also does is to completely forget his or her own flaws, his or her own frailty, completing the descent from Godly humility into the pride of the Evil One.








Saturday, October 17, 2015

Entry One: We are Uniquely Equal

In the second grade, my mother gave me a t-shirt that read, "Anything a boy can do, a girl can do better." It was a nod to girl power, which I liked. But even as a seven year-old, I knew somehow, well, it was a little braggy.

I discovered something important the day I wore it (that one day I actually wore it to Bulman Elementary School); the theorem it was "putting out there" wasn't entirely tenable.

On our walk to play the "troll under the bridge" game at recess, I was confronted by my classmate Ritchie who, pointing at my shirt, said, "Oh, yeah? You could play football and baseball better than me? Really?" I was somehow mildly insulted, even though I could play neither football nor baseball better than any single person. I replied, "If I practiced a lot, and worked out, I could!"

And to this day, I believe that to be true for many other girls. Other girls.

Then some of the other cheeky boys pointed out that I could never be better than them at being a dad; in fact, I would never be a dad. And I fell into an indignant silence, because they were right, but I felt they missed the point of the shirt that girls are awesome like boys, and have lots of cool stuff they can do.

While the boys ran to the slide's ladder to avoid being the troll in the game, I stood fuming about the philosophical error for which I had just been called out. It was true. Girls could not do everything a boy could do.  There were some ways that boys and girls were different because one was a father and one was a mother. At the time, I could not articulate these things, and rather than give it any more thought, I headed underneath the slide to be the troll, having arrived last thanks to the second grade philosophy smack down.

The flawed "radical feminist" philosophy of the old shirt is its assertion that girls and boys are not equal exactly-that in fact, girls have an ability to go beyond what men can do. This is flawed philosophy as any seven year-old boy can tell you. Unfortunately, some radical feminists have proposed just that: men and women are exactly the same, and at times, some have even implied that women are superior to men. 

I, like Ritchie and his gang, have come to reject this idea of feminism.

Men and women are united in their humanity far more than their sexuality divides them, though the latter is an integral part of the former; each of us is made in the image and likeness of God, and therefore have innate dignity as people. We are each called to live a life of holiness. None of us should ever be used as tools or objects for pleasure, or as a means to wealth; and each of us is called to love one another as we love ourselves.

But men and women are two different human creations with somewhat different psychology and behaviors, gifts and talents. We do not repel each other with our differences; we are created for attraction to one another in a complementary union. We are puzzle pieces which fit together to make a beautiful scene.  We are a sort of yin and yang, if you will.  Two images, similar in size and shape, but that fit together because they are designed that way.

Men are men and women are women; men are husbands, and women are wives; men are fathers, and women are mothers.

We, simply, are not exactly the same. Our roles are fundamentally different. Just ask a seven year-old. Persons who are exactly the same have the same strengths and weaknesses, which make it virtually impossible to grow or build something great if no one is there to fill in the gaps. Each person brings something to the friendship, to the marriage, to the family, to the society. And this enables the friendship, the marriage, the family, and the society to live and grow and reach its tremendous potential as something magnificent and beautiful.
 
But how are women different from men? What characteristics are uniquely their own? Any psychologist, any comedian, or any seven year old, has ideas on the female mind and soul. This field is lined with many a landmine called "stereotype" or "gender bias". But learning something worth knowing is always dangerous...the field must be trodden. Once we understand who woman is, there is a question I think is far more important.

How can the female soul be truly happy?

How can a woman, a wife, a mother, be truly happy in her life? I propose looking to the highest example of a woman, a wife, and a  mother that we have. I propose looking to someone who lived the creed that women are equal in dignity to men, and both are capable of holiness. I propose looking to Mary to discover how women can be authentically happily in their lives.