Our inclination to gossip is as “old
as sin”…literally. Eve saw that fruit-shiny, forbidden…so full of promise for
self-aggrandizement. But sin is not an ancient thing, trapped in the past to be
studied by anthropologists. No, gossip has this very nasty habit of never going
out of style.
Therefore, I suppose you could say
that my own inclination to gossip is also as “new as this morning”, as fresh as
the dew on the grass.
A cousin of mine (and spouse) told
a lie. They said they were going straight home after their brief visit because
one of them had to go to work, but they were really going somewhere quite fun
without anyone, including their own generous parents who longed to spend more
time with them. And I know all this because their young daughter mentioned
privately to me that it was a lie and that they were really going to Holiday
World instead of home (children are excellent at sharing exciting truths).
Oh, this was juicy. And so you
see…I felt like I just HAD to tell someone.
You see, this cousin has a great
marriage, wealth, looks, great kids, and the ability to travel. I am an
unmarried woman who lives around the corner from her parents.
If we are all honest, all gossip
boils down to something like this. “I am the only one who knows how selfish
that family REALLY is! They did not invite their parents, or cousin, or anyone
on their trip! They left early for that? I would NEVER do that to my family
because I love them SO much. I guess all the happiness of their life is empty
after all. I am clearly better than they are…like me instead! Like me instead! “
So you see, gossip really does have
all the same old empty promises Satan made to Eve so long ago: you can be like God. It’s no big deal to
talk about others and tell their misdeeds…YOU are the big deal. You have
something no one else has. You have this information and you alone have it. You
are very important as a result of having this information, and what’s more, you
are better than that person because they did something YOU would never do in a
million years…never never…
Gossip
is not exclusively a female problem, but it does happen predominantly in women
(ask any middle schooler). St. Theresa Benedicta (Edith Stein) wrote several
essays on the Godly role of women as it complements the man’s original Godly
role before the Fall. Any sin always stems from some natural desire of human
nature whose original intent is good, but because of the fall, can become
corrupted and distorted if a person is not careful. The good of marital sex is
disfigured into fornication, the need for food becomes gluttony, a desire for
justice becomes officiousness or even revenge, and so on. So what good is it
that gossip perverts?
Both men and women, she says, are
caregivers and protectors of the family. For men, it is more of the
macro-protection of the family from dangers like wild animals, invaders, or
disasters; they are the macro-providers as well, bringing the food, making and
repairing the home, etc. (All of which a woman is able to do if called!)
Women’s role is equal in importance
but is more “localized” as it is centered around bearing and rearing children.
That is not to say men do not rear children; they are crucial in the creation, development,
well-being, self-esteem, and Godliness of the children. St. Theresa Benedicta
speaks of the mother as the micro-protector and provider who tends to her
children’s needs at the ground level. Mothers prevent illness, tend to the
sick, prepare the food, and educate the children. (Which men of course can also
do!) It is from this holy role in the family that gossip stems. But how?
Simply put, women are the primary
communicators of information relating to the family. Before the fall, they
still had to work together to eat and tend the garden which required
coordination with the equal partner. After the fall, this skill of
communication becomes a crucial necessity for survival.
Picture a hunter/gather society of
a couple thousand years ago. Women would gather at the well for water for
drinking, cooking, and bathing. Someone was ill, and the women shared about who
else was ill, and what they thought caused it. How do we make them better? They
share their different methods. What foods are good for cooking? They talk about
their own experiments. What do our children need to know to survive? They
discuss what each of them is showing their children, and how they are getting
them to learn.
Every woman
can see this in her own life. I own a pair of Tevas because my friend Amy told
me they had good arch support for my plantar fasciitis. I use vinegar to mop my
floors because Diane told me how bad the chemicals are for my tile flooring. I
have been using the same hair clip for like 5 years because Melissa loaned me
hers once and said it was great for maintaining a bun. Lesley told me to plant
my strawberries earlier than May next year (because then they might actually
produce strawberries).
This communication is so important
to life that if a person is not careful, they may come to enjoy that feeling of
knowing something others don’t, separate from the original good that was
supposed to go with it. How often do we engage with women in this type of
conversation:
“Can you believe she lets her
children drink all that soda? I mean, obviously she doesn’t know how bad that
is for children.”
“She sent her child to school in that
thin coat? He’ll catch his death of pneumonia!”
Gossip makes the other person look
bad in comparison to the self, a faux feeling of superiority.
“I would never give my kids Coke or
Pepsi. I am too worried about my children’s health! I guess some people just
aren’t as concerned or just don’t care!”
Rather than having a discussion
with the person and sharing ideas, sometimes women use their language to put
other down and shame them, forgetting that our role as communicators is to help
other families in the same spirit God helps us-in all charity. God loves every
single person and wants what is best for them. Other families need to know how
to cure illnesses, to cook, to educate…they do not need to know that my
cousin’s family left early to have their own private vacation. This will not assure anyone’s survival, and
truly, if I did tell people, it would only reflect poorly on me as a sad,
jealous person.
The gossip feels he or she has
special information that defames another’s character…and it feels like true
power. This is the “godliness” the devil is promising. It is not the authentic human
power of being able to control oneself, but the unlawful usurpation of God’s power
to judge a soul. And, what the gossip also does is to completely forget his or
her own flaws, his or her own frailty, completing the descent from Godly
humility into the pride of the Evil One.
